New Underwear
Illustration by Bill Suddick
It was hiding like a shy smile amongst the bills. “Use this for something you really want,” said the note wrapped around the cheque from my friend. What did I really want? Pink lace underwear, I wanted pink lace underwear. I’m into thongs (is that contradictory?) and I prefer unstructured bras because I’m small- breasted. Whether wired or padded, there’s always room for a small change purse in with my left breast.
At the mall, I entered every store that began with “La.” I tried on push-ups that didn’t and hydra-bras that weighed more than my groceries. As I headed dejectedly for the mall’s exit, one last store with its bright lights, shiny oak floors, and oval tables strewn with delicates beckoned pinkly. There, on one table, were pink lace structured bras, matching briefs and, could it be, yes, unstructured bras! I grabbed a set and headed for the fitting rooms, happily expectant.
As I tried on the bra, I realized it had a nifty new closing. It still fastened at the back, but it also closed at the shoulder. I paused. Here I was at the cutting edge of new underwear fashion. I bet lots of women haven’t even seen these yet. As I attempted to fasten the straps though, I was stymied. Embarrassed, I got dressed and took it to the salesgirl who was folding and sorting. I sidled up to her and whispered in a friendly way, holding it out to her, “Can you help me? I’m having trouble with these newfangled shoulder straps.” Without looking up, she said, “Those aren’t shoulder straps, that’s a garter belt.”
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